In September 2007, when I quit my corporate job and became self-employed as a personal trainer, it was quite out of character for me, but my family seemed like they supported me "enough" for me to believe in The Jump too. And, if they'd never picked up their jaws from the floor (because fyi, I left a comfortable salary, benefits, paid vacay, etc.), I still would have made The Leap. I had to do it. I had to take the chance for myself.
I'd been teaching fitness classes since 1999, had been led by solid mentors, and had my fair share of flaky fitness pros to steer me toward the direction I wanted (and steer clear of what I did not). I loved and still love music and movement, and I will always thrive on the energy created from a group of bodies and spirits moving to the vibration of beautiful sounds and breathing.
Here's the caveat: a) I danced in elementary and middle school, and I took one dance class in college - I'm far from a professional dancer. b) My athleticism reaches Christi C's step class throughout high school at the Simpsonville YMCA. Tennis during my senior year of high school turned out to be an excuse to laugh with my friend, Erin, on the courts and include an athletic activity on my college applications. With that said, I doubt I was ever an athlete in a former life. c) I was never The Model or The Actress or The Really Hot Girl in high school or college to plant one iota of thought that I should teach others how to "look good" through exercise and diet.
Matter of fact, I wish I'd continued dancing as I grew up because I loved it. I wish I'd been more concerned with how my body moved on the tennis court and less concerned with how my legs looked in a short tennis skirt. And, finally, like many girls and boys, and women and men, I battled body wars. That means deep down, for me, I never felt good enough, thin enough, fit enough - because I sought that validation on the outside too much - my body, my college application, my resume, what people thought - You know the saying, I couldn't see the forest for the trees.
Well, luckily, along the way, I spotted a few trees that led me to seeing many more. Some little voice inside kept encouraging me to stay in my favorite step classes - because that's where my spirit thrived. Some little voice kept encouraging me to write, to listen to what I really had to say. Some little voice nudged me to reach out to some women who Get It.
And, that same little voice helped me to carve out my dream job. Here's how it happened:
They say one has to hit a rock bottom. Well, when I worked in the tv news biz, I, an early-to-bed-early-to-rise gal, was handed the overnight shift from Thursday through Sunday for my last six months. And, while I met some lovely people at my first job in news who do good work there, I won't delve into my bitterness (nausea due to lack of sleep, low-grade depression, zero social life - hello, I worked weekend overnights!, and finally, suspicion that to get ahead, some, not all, had to...well, I'll stop right there) because it became the springboard to my November 2006 "adios, amigos!" - Hallelujah and Cheers, Mothership of News, I decided you could hold your own without me.
Now, that I'm quite certain this will not come bite me in my wobbly bits (thank you, BJ), I can admit that on the overnight shift, among listening to editors talk unprofessionally about women, recording feeds, managing the hours of digital space, and cleaning up others' mistakes, I had lots of time to research, to write, to heal. I knew that my years of feeling - out of touch with my body, not good enough, too dreamy, too big, too hungry, too full, nauseated - of feeling like I was grasping the air for a sense of being grounded, were expiring. I knew that there had to be another way.
I knew there had to be another way for myself, and there had to be another way for many people like me. For all the books I read about exercising, dieting, disordered eating, self help, etc., I knew I couldn't be one of few who felt the need for something deeper. I knew I couldn't be the only one who wanted to feel strong and true to herself - to feel just right, not too big, not too small, and Good Enough. I knew that if I could aim to stay true to myself, I could feel more connected to myself and help others along the way. With the help of a amazing mentor, I drew out a plan of being a personal trainer to help people thrive in their bodies.
While contemplating my plan of action in summer/fall 2006, I got the opportunity to work for a specialty pharmacy - the lift-off the springboard from my hard news career. I covered most of the Southeast visiting fertility specialists and made more money than five additional years (or more) at my previous company. I made my own schedule and was responsible for building relationships with about 45 practices. The autonomy and home/road/car office fit me well, yet my heart kept urging me to go ahead and take The Plunge, the one I'd been spending the last few years contemplating.
I still loved teaching classes, and I'd gotten my personal training certification with some clients on the side. My travel schedule kept me from building more of a regular base of personal training clients and classes. How did I know it would work? How did I know my savings would carry me through four or five months? And, how did I know that a personal training career could support me - my one-bedroom apartment, my health insurance, my cat, and all my dreams ahead? I didn't have any personal trainer friends - the trainers I knew in college had other full-time jobs - and, at first, the trainers I met here and there in Atlanta were concerned with dispensing buckets of protein powder, weighing/measuring/calculating and assigning Hulk-like training regimens to sculpt a body perfect - far from my philosophies.
AND, the big BUT, the crazy WHAT IF thinking, scared me silly. Besides the logistics of money and marketing, would people want to train with me? The Good Enough fear creeped inside my mind. I'm no fitness model and do not aim to be on the cover of Oxygen magazine. And, while I'm an advocate of cross training (resistance/cardiovascular/flexibility training and rest), I'm even a bigger advocate of intuitive exercise/movement. I'm not the trainer who will prescribe a protein-only diet and promise firmer buns, smaller thighs, a six-pack, and 10% body fat. I will push you to dig deeper, to find fitness from within, to honor your appetites (emotional and physical), to notice your breath, to run, to push/pull, to inhale, to exhale, to rest, to reach, to bask in the light and darkness.
Despite my fears, I sensed a bigger plan ahead and knew that some how, some way, my business would prosper and, hopefully, expand along the way. And, on a sunny day in June, when I'd taken a few days off my traveling job to attend a Pilates workshop, I received a call from my manager that my territory had expanded from five to nine states - Things that make you go "hmmmmm". I didn't see my heart stretching much more into that job. Less than a year after accepting the initial traveling sales job offer, I left it behind - with gratefulness and relief. And, I opened my business FLOW Training.
I can say I'm still excited about my business. I can't say it's perfect, I can't say I'm all-knowing, and I can't say that there haven't been any bumps. I've met more wonderful mentors and friends who've helped to keep nudging along my spirit, hope and enthusiasm. My belief and wonder outweigh my hefty self-employment taxes and ongoing fear monsters.
I write this because when people ask what I do, it takes a while to explain. I'm not your average personal trainer. Like I said, I do not believe in strict regimens, beating up your body, or aiming for perfection that will never exist. I am a trainer who, no matter your background or limitations or pain or hopes, will walk with you and help you to be in your body, to embrace your strengths and your softness, your energies and your stillness.
My wish for you is to keep seeking the trees - seek the peace of being rooted, grounded, strong. Keep breathing, moving, resting and reaching.
