Rest in Peace, City and Chloe

Writing helps to ground me. If you're into chakras, you'll know what I mean when I say I'm a root chakra kind of gal. I need rooting, grounding, nesting. I need the security of feeling strong and centered before moving forward. When I got engaged last year, I started a diary for my husband-to-be, and I told him if I get crabby or moody or crazy, to tell me to write. The other day, he told me to write.

You get my drift, huh? I've been working like a madwoman, which is not a terrible problem to have, but until the writing and rooting began again, I was forgetting about myself. And, I was forgetting about my husband, my family, myself. It's easy to give and give and give - and do and do and do - but, as I've learned lately, sometimes it's hard to give back to me.

A great teacher said on Friday "drink while you pour". Receive while you give. It's possible. It's not noble to give unconditional love to everyone else if you can't give it to yourself. I've been thinking about unconditional love lately. You might remember a while ago I wrote that our five-year-old cat and five-year-old dog had lymphoma. With this experience, I was reminded of how animals brings us back to unconditional love. Without further ado, I'd love to share how each of these beings below teach us about love.



With the intention of being grateful for what I've still got, first and foremost, here's our Easter Bunny Bowden. I took this photo 20 minutes ago before I wrote this blog entry. He refused to look at the camera, he hated the pink egg, he dared me to walk into the other room while he sniffed the Reese peanut butter eggs. We call him our Lone Ranger. Our Stoner Dog. Except for his stiff shoulders and lack of ability to do down dog, he's actually a very good yogi - he practices detachment very nicely, he eats what he wants when he wants (surprisingly, I know, it's not very much), he meditates outside a dozen times a day staring off into space not blinking an eye, and he regularly chants with his neighbors. About the unconditional love - I love our Bow-Bow. All of him - the chunks of fur that he constantly leaves in the house during shedding season, the way he gingerly takes treats from our hands, the Monday morning barking at the garbage truck backing into our driveway, and even the way he completely ignores his mom (moi) but obediently greets his dad every evening. He's our man. And now, pretty much our rock.

City the Kitty. Like anyone who owns a pet might say, this wasn't any ole cat. She was my baby. She slept with me for almost five years, she greeted me like a dog by rolling over on her back, she loved drinking water from my glass instead of her own (no, I did not drink after her - I realize how cats bathe), she loved all adults but was scared s***less of my niece and nephew (little people look weird, okay?), and despite the hisses and sharp slaps, I believe she started a secret friendship with our dog, Chloe, toward the end of her sweet life. City the Kitty went to heaven three weeks ago today. The cancer *almost* got the best of her, and we decided to let her go peacefully when she let us know it was time.

Chloe. Miss Chloe-Glowy. If you've seen Marley and Me, you know Chloe. I'm sure my husband didn't think she was a "Marley" - but I'll be really honest here, and it might be TMI for my blog, but I don't care. She loved my underwear. And my socks. And my workout gloves. And my clean, unused toilet paper on the roll. If I didn't accidentally leave underwear, socks or gloves where she could find them, she'd just take a big chunk out of the roll usually spreading the toilet paper throughout my bathroom. Then, why not, she'd just dip into my trashcan too and spread it throughout the hallway. Ask my husband, she got into something every single day. She was no dummy, she'd find something. Despite her love to tear my underwear to shreds, I loved this dog. I could say NO to her 40 times a day, and that tail would continue to wag so much I thought she was surely bruising herself while slapping it against the floor or wall. She was very codependent, very needy, very sly but also very cute and so full of love that I didn't realize how much love was in this house until she was actually gone. We had to let her go yesterday morning. Easter Morning. What a way to celebrate Life. Chloe-Glowy joined City the Kitty - I imagine them smelling each other, still feeling each other out but becoming fast friends in the gates of Bliss.

Or, perhaps they'll be reincarnated. Who really knows. The heaps of love we experienced outweighed the waves of frustration trying to merge a household of two carnivorous dogs and one often-pissy cat. And, I learned that if I could love those animals wholeheartedly - their idiosyncrasies along with their wagging tails and soft fur - and if they could love my husband and me back with that much love - then certainly that love goes on in many forms.

I guess I write this to help myself grieve, to maybe connect with someone else through these words who has experienced the same thing. More so, I want us to treat each other kindly. I want us to treat each other like we do our pets. Sure, we can have boundaries, and we don't have to let people drink out of our water glasses or wear our underwear. But, let's be kind, let's give each other a chance. Let's forgo the fluff and have real conversations, let's forgive, and let's let each other be. (Bowden, Mr. Detachment himself wrote that last phrase.)

More importantly, before one can do any of that, let's give back to ourselves. Let us pay attention to our own needs for time and space and sunshine. Let's give ourselves a break. And, for the sake of circling back to this blog's "FLOW", let's treat ourselves to a freaking cookie or two without counting the blasted calories. Let's move freely to feel our life force (aka "aliveness") versus a way to stay small and invisible (and quite frankly, dead). Let's tune into our hearts and nourish ourselves in authentic ways. Keep it simple - Be Real, Love and Breathe.

Rest in Peace, City and Chloe.

Fat Talk Free Week (and what do you really feel?)

I just received a Facebook message that reads:

October 13, 2008
Fat Talk Free Week
NEDA has partnered with the National Organization for Women (NOW), the Academy for Eating Disorders (AED), Seventeen magazine, and the Oxford University Press to promote the five day Fat Talk Free Week Promise. There are many ways to get involved. Find out how by clicking here: http://bodyimageprogram.org/action/fattalkfreeweek/.

In a nutshell, steer clear of "fat talk" this week - in it's place do something aiming for a positive body image. I'm all for it!

But, I'll add something you can do for yourself:

Steer clear of "fat talk", and in its place, practice "feeling talk". If you have the urge to "feel fat" but realize it's a no-no this week, practice tuning into what that "feeling fat" is really telling you. Some examples:

"I feel fat" could really mean:
"I feel too big, too much, too sensitive, too emotional, too smart, too dumb, too average, too bossy, too quiet, too stressed, too anxious, too tired, too MAD, too sad," and the list goes on...

Grab your journal, and when an "I feel fat" thought pops up, dig deeper. Write about what's happening in your life, write what stresses you, write what floats around in your head, write about the guilt you carry, write the burdens you're bearing, write about the decision you're trying to make, write about your roommate/partner/friend/colleague who drives you bonkers, write your deepest desires and fears.

If you get stuck, write about anything that comes to mind. Let it flow. And, if it becomes too much to handle on your own, open yourself up to a professional who is very familiar with the "fat talk", someone who can help you sift through to the richer stuff.

Give yourself the gift of freedom from fat talk. Get to the root of it, see what's behind "fat".